Matt

That last post was some pretty heavy stuff, so let's lighten it up a bit. I mentioned in a previous post that I would tell you about Matt. Matt is a guy that I met one week after the rape occurred. I didn't feel much like going out, but one of my friends talked me into it saying that we could leave anytime I wanted to. So I agreed to go with her to a karaoke bar. Karaoke is not really my scene, plus I was still in a bit of shock from the rape so I just kinda melted in the background. I was sitting at a table looking through the song book. Matt was sitting next to me and we started talking about music. Next thing you know, we were talking all night long. We ended up going to a billards bar after that and we were still inseparable. It totally took me out of the bad mind frame I was in after such a traumatic event. Then we walked outside and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just been raped! And I said it! Out loud! To Matt! I was pretty sure I scared him off forever and that I would never see him again.

Fast forward 3 weeks . . . he shows up at a game watching party I attended. I was shocked. As it turns out, Matt was good friends with the people I went out with that night. Again we were inseparable. We bonded over silly things like gummy worms and we teased each other about our out of control hand gestures and other quirky mannerisms. Still, as much as I liked him, I was not ready to date. He knew that and never pressured me into anything. Then one night, our friends just couldn't take it anymore and they blurted out, "Why don't you two just go on a date already!" It's almost as if the idea had never occurred to either of us. Well two months after our initial meeting, we FINALLY went on our first date.

I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. As much as I liked him, I thought there was no way that a guy was going to be able to deal with the crap I was going through. I startled easily, was hyper vigilant, would cry at random times with no warning. He couldn't take me on any surprise dates because he didn't know if that was going to trigger a flashback. I just knew this would never work . . . what guy would deal with all that for a girl he hardly knows?

It happened, every single symptom mentioned above. Right in front of him. He didn't even flinch. When I was startled, he hugged me and comforted me. When I cried, he'd get me a tissue. If we were in the car and he didn't have a tissue, he would pull over at a gas station and buy me some. If I had a flashback, he helped talk me down and bring me back in the moment. This was a time in my life where I felt like even the people close to me couldn't see the real me behind all my grief. But somehow Matt, who had only known me a few months, saw right through everything to the real me.

After we had been together for about a year and a half, he came with me to my last counseling appointment. He brought my counselor flowers and thanked her for helping me get through this. She warned him that it is not over and will never be over. Big life events may trigger bad feelings or flashbacks at anytime with no warning. He didn't care, he still loved me.

A year and a half after that he proposed! And we got married on May 2, 2008. It was the best day of my life! Matt took me from the lowest place in my life to the highest place in my life over the course of 4 years! I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life who can see the real Caitlin no matter what I'm going through. I love you Matt!